Accountability

In my imagination, someone reads this blog. At least, there's the possibility that someone will read it. And so the confessions I make and the tidbits I share here matter.

I've been trying to lose the "last 15 pounds" for years two years. Before that, I was pregnant for about two years. And before that, I'd been trying to lose those same pounds for nearly four years. I'd also like to get more organized, be a more intentional and creative mother, read my Bible more, and stay on top of the housework. But I totally lack the discipline to do any of that. I really think the "last 15 pounds" are more a symptom of that lack of discipline than anything. And I hate that more than the pounds themselves.

I grew up in a pretty disciplined household. We got up on time, ate on time, ate healthfully, went to church three times a week, and did chores. My mom was an awesome housekeeper, and my dad did not put up with misbehavior. I was bred to be a stay-at-home-mom, and I was given the tools to do this job well. I should know how to be a more disciplined person, right?

But, oh, how I love the creative. I love to daydream and make imaginary decorating plans and sing every song in my Broadway repertoire. The beauty of my job as a SAHM is that I get to decorate and cook and play dress-up and Legos and sing songs from Wicked with a daughter who loves the music almost as much as I do. I could start off dusting the keyboard in the office and get side-tracked by a piece of music and spend the rest of the afternoon learning it...hypothetically. Or I might be picking up Legos and have this brilliant idea for a ship that looks just like the one on Star Wars and dump out all the pieces I'd just picked up to find a particular piece to finish off said ship. Or I might be in the middle of taking measurements for a particular window treatment, and get this epiphany about how I could actually make the built-ins next to the fireplace work, and spend an hour googling the instructions for the perfect built-in bookcases. Or I might just get so caught up in a song on KLOVE that I can't resist picking up one of the boys to dance (oh, how I love to dance). Not that I've done any of those things today...or ever.

And then if I HAD done any of those crazy things, I would spend the evening kicking myself for not having the discipline to pass up that piece of music or those Legos or Google or the dancing and finish the task I'd started. And then I'll tell myself that I can always dust the office tomorrow.

But tomorrow never comes, and you could probably write your name in the dust of any given piece of furniture in that office.

The thing is that I really love the part of me that loves to dance. I love the part of me that knows how to create and sing and laugh. I want to be that mother that exudes joy and tells jokes and has a contagious spirit.

But I want to do it 15 pounds lighter in a clean house after I've read my Bible for the day.

In short, I want to be perfect.

But I know that, like tomorrow, perfect never comes. So I guess I'll settle for being MORE perfect than I was yesterday.

Recently, a mentor and friend of mine suggested that I divide my time into Martha and Mary moments. What an amazing idea. I really believe that the Martha moments are necessary, but the Mary moments are what life is made of.

So my intention in starting this blog is to begin logging my Martha and Mary moments, and in so doing, have some sort of accountability. I believe that accountability is the key to spiritual growth, so I aim to list here my Martha goals for each day, knowing that when the Martha stuff gets done, the Mary moments are so much sweeter.

I'm asking the Lord to make me more obedient and disciplined. I know, crazy, right? Who asks for stuff like that? Don't we all know how dangerous that is?

But somehow, I just know that even though it's likely to be a little painful, this little discipline dance will be an amazing way that God will mold me into the woman He designed me to be.