Side Effects

I'm really enjoying this journey toward discipline.

I love that I'm beginning to talk to God more intimately and freely. My home is mostly neater (is that even a word?), and when it's not, I nag myself less. I'm beginning to see the value in daily exercise and food management. I love that the relationships with my husband and kids are so much richer. I love that my life's colors seem less gray and more brilliant in color.

I'm really enjoying this journey. Mostly.

But there is something I could do without. Sorrow. It seems that the more in love with Christ I am, the more I hurt for my friends who are making bad decisions.

For instance, a girlfriend whom I've loved for several years has pretty much set fire to her life, convincing herself all the while that the flames will keep her warm. She's listened to satan whispering in her ear for so long that she can no longer discern his voice from the voice of her Maker. And it breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart in a way that I didn't know it could be broken. And I'm having to learn to compartmentalize to some degree, in order to do the things I know the Lord requires of me to care for my own family. But in the back of my mind, the sorrow always lingers.

Now, I've experienced depression. I understand depression all too well. Depression is the sickness that keeps you from seeing colors as brightly as you might. It keeps you from any kind of clarity or productivity. But this is different.

It's a sorrow born out of love for my Lord. And because it comes from Him, I can accept it as good and right.

And so while I don't enjoy it, I do find joy in it.

But even here, there is some sort of balance. The Martha in me wants to explain to my friend that she's got it all wrong and she needs to pull herself up by the bootstraps and do the hard work it will take to put her shattered life back together. But the Mary in me wants desperately to help her understand "how wide and long, and high and deep is the love of Christ" (Eph. 3:18). I often hear this called "speaking the truth in love". Difficult stuff.

So for now, I check in with the Lord each morning, ask Him to direct my day and send peace to guard my heart.

And I wear water-proof mascara.